it's 6.31 am and i thank God i came online now to see what i saw (instead of preparing for school like i should be). heh. today is a better day now. =)

im off double shift. today they just kinda told us we dont need to work afternoons anymore cause exams are over. so here i am seated here with nothing to do. you have any idea how scary it is to get your work load cut by half after you've adapted to it? it's scarier to be too free than to be too busy.

some of you will know what im talking about. this feeling of... the imminent crash. like a wave or a current, building, pilling, driving itself from deep within. waiting. for that moment when it hits.

and so we scurry to distract ourselves again; to occupy time.
the cycle once more.

screaming with the light.

promises

tonight i talked to someone who adores her dad very much. she couldnt stop talking about him, and as i listened, i made a prayer saying God someday i wanna have that too.

not everything has to be screwed up from start to end.

tonight someone said to me you cant die over there alright. mm.. havent i heard that one before somewhere? i think i have.

what's the answer?

there're so many people i want to talk to now but, i really have no energy la. so ya, sorry. it doesnt mean i dont love you. i strained the muscles in both my shoulders, and i've been walking around head down looking all dodgy the whole day cause of the pain. when you're tired you're more prone to injuries no? so ya.

i dunno la, everything's all messed up and whatever else. it's so much easier to just pretend like everything's alright and focus on/ distract ourselves with day to day life. really. and hey, maybe that works, so why not right?

and sometimes, it's easier when we distract ourselves with other people's problems. it gives you a reason to remain sad without being accused of having self-pity. you think? or maybe, it gives you a feeling of compensation because at least you made someone's day.

i dunno. arent there many different ways to live life? different approaches if you will. so, but really, what's the answer?






p.s: dont tell me jesus is the answer unless you can put everything into perspective and fit them nicely. i already know that one. i just cant connect the dots.



anyway, hari kanak-kanak is monday, so whee~, free breakfast, lunch, and maybe dinner.

growing up

yes recycled picture. but i just felt like posting one.

sometimes when people change, we dont get it. we claim that they're just hiding their true selves beneath something. a mask perhaps, in fear of hurt. but maybe it's just that we cant accept it. maybe the thing that needs shielding lies not within their hearts, but ours instead.

it's funny how this feels like now cause all along you've had this idea of how the world looks, and it has always held coherent, and then suddenly *bish* it just collapses, bursts, explodes. and then you realize, hey, that wasnt the truth at all; it was just a glass dome over your world. and you realize that hey, it's not so bad the way it is now. the other way to put it, is that it feels like punctuated equilibrium. ahaha.

somebody once said dont pretend like you know how it feels until you've walked a mile in another person's shoes. today i think i was force marched about seven. haha ok maybe not really. but for sure somebody opened the blinds and the light came in. im not asking for anything, and people deserve to be wary. but truly, only time will tell what will come of everything.

if there's anything i'd like to repeat, then with my utmost sincerity, thank you. really.

it's almost timely i lost my voice. both literally and metaphorically. i need a new one dont you think.

quitting caniballism

my screams got lost in a papercup
i've got something to say, you know
but,
nothing comes..

..and what if
i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it?
hey but, i dont care
cause sometimes,
i said sometimes,
i hear my voice
and it's been,
here;
silent all these years.
silent all these years.

silent all these years
tori amos

we had art today. the theme was circles. as long as the main shape in their work was circle, it'd do. it's come to the point now that i have to ban all illustrations alluding to pokemon, naruto, and bakugan. i dont even know what bakugan is really, i just know it when i see it.

there's a kid in my class who always finishes in under 30 minutes; it may not be the most aesthetically pleasing one, but it always fits the theme, so you cant really reject his "half-hearted" work. laziness we may call it, but at the same time, the kid's using his creativity to achieve his goal in the shortest time available, and that's one valuable skill to have. and it makes you think- if a child did not grasp what the teacher was trying to teach formally, does that mean he has wasted his time?

there's news somewhere on the www recently that says, there's more information available in a week's worth of the new york post than a person would ever encounter if he lived in the middle ages. pretty staggering. and it is true that things have changed; nowadays it is no surprise when the student who gets sent to the discipline room most is also the same student who scored top of the class (i happen to know one such kid. heheh).

information is no longer the most valuable and necessary resource to be passed on to children. they can find it on their own.

i was gonna talk about coherence of knowledge but this is getting long, so. yea.

im losing my voice as well. i think im falling sick. or should i be positive and say im recovering? in remission. oh well, whatever doesnt kill you can only make you stronger.

remembering how to be happy #1

i used to go to orisinal: morning sunshine a lot when i was first introduced to the internet and didnt quite know what to do with it. cant remember how i found it though. probably just stumbled upon it somewhere along the way. basically a lot of mini flash games to pass the day with. and they have nice music and animation to go with. remember i gave flowers to someone here. sometimes, i'd just come here and listen to the rain.

fifth row fifth column; the one with the crescent moon? click that. =)

dear tiny sunshine:

when you wake up in the morning and see this:
you will remember that life is beautiful,
that it is wonderful to be able to breathe,
to look in the mirror and smile,
to sing a happy song.

you will remember that there are people who love you
even if they dont always know how to express it,
even if they arent perfect,
even if they sometimes make mistakes.

you will remember that life is worth living,
because even in our darkest moments,
we still can become the light to another person's life;
that we have the ability to love even while we hurt.

and the truth is that we are all ugly.
that is why it is difficult to love each other.
but we do (love each other),
and we look ahead to better days, wishing..
that someday, the most beautiful moments will come
not in our dreams,
but when we open our eyes in the morning.

mhmm.. =)

self portrait


and then you begin to realize that perhaps we werent created to understand each other- personalities, temperaments, upbringing, different people are different, whatevers.

perhaps we were made to love. the understanding just makes it easier.